Harry
by Checkered Stripes
Summary: Have you ever wanted someone that you couldn't have? This person has. This is all of her thoughts. Complete! Please R/R


A/N: This is sort of an AU (alternate universe). Because I know that Harry talks to this character more than he does in this fic. And I know that this character isn't as obsessed as I make her. But I am not going to spoil who's POV it is right now. Just because I am mean like that! ( Also one other thing! This fic has absolutely no plot. It's just a bunch of emotions that constantly run through my head and the only way to express myself is by writing. And some of these things are actually how I feel. Well with that being said. on with the story!  
  
  
  
  
  
There I was, standing over her. I had this all planned out, I was standing there, not moving, not wanting to wake her. Why couldn't I do this? Just say those two words and you'll be done with her, a voice kept nagging. But I couldn't, I just couldn't kill this person. She was precious to too many people. Especially Harry. That was why I had come in here in the first place. I thought it over again. But then I backed down. I took the Silencing Charm off of her bed and went back to my dorm.  
  
I lay there on my bed. Why didn't I just say those two horrible words? That was why. They were horrible. They would've scarred me for life. I would've had a guilty feeling for the rest of my life. But then again, I would have been less scared and less stressed when everyone was looking around for the killer. Seeing everyone in so much disarray would've pleased me. But no, I couldn't do it.  
  
The next morning I woke up. I didn't feel like getting up. But I did anyways. I always did. Just to see the one person who could make me happy. The one who didn't know I liked him. Or maybe he did, he just didn't show it. I can't stop liking him. I've liked him for four years straight. Even when I didn't have classes with him, I've always thought about him. I've had people take my mind off of him, but not for long. My mind would always wander back to him.  
  
I went down to breakfast. I always sit across the table from Ron. I try to sit by Harry, but everyone else always gets there first. I always sit in the same spot of the table, in the middle. But Harry sits at the end. I don't want to change seats, than everyone will know who I like, if they don't already. I always try to steal glances at him, but something always distracts me. If I do get a glance, he doesn't bother to look back.  
  
In class Harry sits on the opposite side of the room. I thought this was a bad thing. But then I noticed that I could stare at him much more easier. When we would do our work I could be taking notes, and then look over at him. A couple of times he caught my eye. I blushed and looked away as quick as I could. Then I scolded myself for not looking at him longer. His beautiful face was all I could think about during that class. There was one time when I talked to him before we had switched seats. He wasn't actually talking to me, but at least I talked.  
  
"Ron, what did you get for number 10?" asked Harry.  
  
"I got 13," answered Ron.  
  
"Isn't it 18?" I replied. "Because if you take 42 minus 6 and then divide by 2, you come out with 18."  
  
Harry looked at it harder. He smiled and then set to work. I felt proud. But I knew he didn't feel the same way as I felt about him. I could tell. But some days, I would look at his face and see that maybe I did have a chance with him. Other times, I knew he was way out of my league. If I had a good day, I would look in the mirror and see myself with him. Other days, I would just not even try.  
  
I didn't know if Harry had a girlfriend. But the day I found out that he did. I almost cried. I don't know why I had made such a big deal out of it. I knew that he wasn't going to be mine anyways. I don't know what made me cry. Even though I knew he wouldn't be mine, I always had this thing inside of me, that if he was still single, it gave me hope that I had a chance. I don't know what it was though.  
  
After class one day, we had lunch. I hadn't noticed the time and the bell rang. All of my belongings were out. So I packed up slowly and carefully, thinking that if I were late to lunch no one would miss me. As I was getting up to leave I heard hushed voices. It was Harry's and some girl's. I stood near the door, not wanting to interrupt.  
  
"Are you doing anything this Saturday?" came Harry's voice.  
  
"Not that I know of," replied a small voice.  
  
"I would love it if you came with me to Honeydukes in Hogsmed," Harry said.  
  
"So would I," replied the girl.  
  
Her voice was so familiar. I looked out and saw whom Harry was talking to. I knew it was she. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't believe that Harry had asked her out, I mean, she wasn't that pretty. What did she have that I didn't? Looks and a personality that Harry likes, responded the nagging voice. 'Don't I have looks?' I asked myself. Of course, just not the kind that Harry likes. I stopped dead in my tracks. I had been walking to the Great Hall to eat lunch. But I decided then that I wasn't hungry. I ran up to the Gryffindor tower crying silent tears.  
  
Why not me? I kept asking myself. I noticed that I had repeated this question over and over in my head. Do you think that if I wore make-up he would have noticed me? No. If he doesn't like you how you are right now, then why do you want someone like that? I found that this was true. Why did I want someone like him, if he didn't like me for me?  
  
Over the next week and a half, I sulked around, not really in the mood to learn. I had slacked off so much. Turning in papers late, making up excuses, and sometimes not even doing my homework. How could someone like Harry have this much affect on me? He already has a girlfriend. I kept telling myself. I had to get myself back together. It was hard at first. But I got through it. I had all of my papers turned in, and had the best grade in all of my classes. But that one class with Harry was hard.  
  
I don't know why I have held on to Harry for four long years. I don't know what about him that caught my eye and held it for four straight years. Maybe it was because we were in the same house. Maybe because I knew he was just right across the hall at night. I don't know what it was, but I knew it was something. Something that made him stand out of the crowd.  
  
I remember the first time I saw him. It was when I was in first year. I don't remember when exactly I had 'fallen in love', if that's even what you could call it. It wasn't really love at first sight. It had been a couple of weeks after school had started. Our teacher had out us in groups. Mixing all the houses and age groups. By some luck I had gotten in a group with Harry. We got to know each other better this way. But I only got to know those who sat next to me. I was too shy to actually talk to Harry. So I only knew the girls and two of the boys from our group. Unfortunately, Harry was not one of them.  
  
Harry had made a joke saying that he would take all of the magic in the world and keep it in his trunk so that no one would find it. I was about to say 'I know where you sleep' and then laugh about it, but I never got the chance. Someone else had started talking before me. I slumped back in my chair. That was the first time I had realized Harry was a great guy. He had a great sense of humor.  
  
But that was over and done with. Here I was now, lying on my bed, crying into my pillow. All because of some guy that probably doesn't even know I exist. Maybe if I had spoken up that day, everything now, would've been better. I would've gotten to know Harry better. I would've had that chance to be asked to Hogsmed by Harry. But that had all been a false dream.  
  
Other boys had caught my attention. I probably could've gotten other boys that didn't catch my attention. But that didn't matter to me. I wanted Harry. But there was a problem. I had never been asked out. If Harry did ask me, I would say yes. But then I would feel awkward. I've had absolutely no experience in the dating game.  
  
I look at all of my friends and see them happily chatting away with their boyfriends. And then they come over and tell me something magnificent about them. I act happy. At least I try to. They see my shell on the outside. Nothing living, but nothing that is dead. I tell my friends that they must be really happy and that I'm happy for them. But really, deep down, I'm jealous and I'm envious. I know that I could never hate my friends, or even be jealous of them. But right now I am. And I know that that feeling will never go away. Even if I have someone of my own one day, there will always be that hatred. That jealousy.  
  
I always tell my friends that I am tired and then head up to my dorm as fast as I can. I put on a Silencing Charm around my bed so that they can't hear me cry. I feel pathetic. But this is the only way of letting all of my stress and emotions go. Feeling sorry for myself.  
  
As I sit on my bed and listen to all the students filing into the Common Room, I wipe my tears away. It's time that I've pulled myself together. I go into the bathroom and wash my face so that no one can tell I've been crying. But it's a hard thing to cover up. My cheeks are all stained and my eyes all blood-shot. I can cover up the stains on my cheeks easy enough. But what can I do about my eyes? Nothing. So I sit on my bed for about another 10 minutes. Then when I'm sure that my eyes look normal, I head to the Common Room.  
  
The talk is light-hearted and easy enough to understand. I sit on a scarlet red chair near the fire. The fire warms me up a bit. I like being by myself. And for once, I'm glad that nobody cares that I sit here by myself. For once, my mind isn't on Harry. For once, I like being single. I can take this.  
  
Two weeks later, I am myself. My friends can't tell, but I can. I am more open. I start telling my friends everything about Harry. Every single time he wears those blood red shoes, every time he gets a haircut, and every time that he does something different with his body. They listen and don't speak. It's good to be able to talk freely. I told my friends about Harry and his girl. They said that I had better do something, or else he would never notice me. He would be with that girl forever. I laughed at this and told them that there was no such thing as forever.  
  
We graduated from Hogwarts and Harry was still with her. I'm happy, but also jealous. I should have done something. But I didn't and now I regret it. Maybe there is such thing as forever. If there is, I hope Harry is with her forever. I always think about that night, when I had the chance to kill Ginny Weasley. But now I'm glad I didn't. Because I now know that Harry Potter and I, Hermione Granger, wouldn't have been the same without Ginny.  
  
I'll never forget Harry. There will always be a spot in my heart for him. But I have moved on so far. I guess it's better to not dwell on something that you can't have. And now I am happily married. I was right. All the jealousy and hatred hasn't gone away. But it's gone down. And I hope that if I ever see Harry Potter and his wife, Ginny Weasley, again, I hope they are as happy as I am. 


End file.
